My Biggest Fan

This one is hard and you know how much I like to keep this blog my happy place.  But life isn't always happy and often the hard moments are what make you the person you are, make you stronger, and make you appreciate all the happiness that comes along.

On January 18th, I lost my biggest fan, my Mom.  I didn't share here (again, a happy place) but she'd been battling pancreatic cancer for over a year.  She fought hard and basically told the cancer and her body to knock it off cause she was too busy and had too much to do for this illness to inconvenience her.  And for about a year that worked. In October she had a complication that required surgery and therapies that took a lot out of her.  But her mission was to take the family to Disney World for Christmas and she refused to let the disease (or her doctors) stop her.  And we have amazing memories as a result of her grit and determination to not let this illness stop her from living life to the fullest.  Following Christmas she let the doctors get back to work on her and continued to push through her therapies and tried to get stronger.  Unfortunately God had other plans and needed her in his choir of angels sooner than we thought. 

It's been a sad couple of weeks and my heart aches in the spot that she filled.  Being with friends and family was true comfort because it showed me how many lives she touched and how much love she gave and received.  My family truly has no words for the kindness, generosity and overwhelming outpouring of condolences we received.  While I suspect I'll never truly get over this loss, the love from everyone around me, my closest friends, my wonderful family, even acquaintances who surprised me with their kind words because they lost a parent, have helped ease the pain.

Mom truly was my biggest fan.  She encouraged me from a very young age when I wanted to be a writer.  She'd read my stories, was my constant editor, and wanted me to explore this passion.  Growing up, money was tight but I remember in middle school when I begged to apply for an exclusive writing camp at the University of Pittsburgh.  She agreed and when I was accepted, I was thrilled and she was proud of me.  To this day, I'm not sure how she found the tuition money, but that summer I developed my skills and Mom couldn't wait to read it all.  And I looked forward to showing her the fruits of my labor and her sacrifice.

Mom was proud of this blog too.  She emailed the link to all her friends and even printed out entries to share with my Dad and Grandma so they could enjoy my stories and musings (and poke fun at Dave about the mice in the attic.  It'd be easy to walk away from this blog because I would often think of her when writing these entries--wondering if she'd laugh at my jokes the way I wanted her to or hoping she'd forgive me for not telling her a particular story when we spoke on the phone because I wanted to get it just right for the blog--and frankly it's painful knowing she won't read these and call me to talk about the stories anymore.  But if I walked away, what would that mean for her memory and all the support and encouragement she gave me?

No words can express the pain I feel, but neither are there any words for the love my mother's given me.  And I hope I continue to make her proud as she watches over me and reads this blog, laughing and smiling.