Liam Neeson Failed Me

Dave and I enjoy movie night.  On the weekend, at least one night is devoted to sitting on the couch together with a big bowl of popcorn and the latest from Netflix.  Dave doesn't do chick flicks, but that's ok because I LOVE action movies.  I'll watch anything with a car chase or a fight scene (although if it's really bad I'll watch through my hands or look away until Dave says the coast is clear).  I love the adrenaline rush (and the pretty boys...like Jason Statham...sigh.)

So of course, most movies with Liam Neeson are winners.  Taken comes to mind.  Batman Begins.  Even The A-Team because we really liked him as Hannibal.

But wow.  The Grey.  The movie was just bad.  I'm going to give you spoilers because THERE IS NO REASON ANYONE SHOULD WATCH THIS MOVIE.  Seriously, by the end Dave said he was rooting for the wolves.

Long story short: Neeson plays Ottway who is a wolf-sniper for a bunch of oil riggers (? or maybe loggers?  I never really understood their job) in the middle of nowhere Alaska.  He picks off wolves as they try to come near the crew.  They are all done with this particular job, so they get on a plane home and end up crashing in an even bigger middle of nowhere Alaska.  A handful survive only to be hunted by a pack of wolves.  Ottway becomes the defacto leader because he's the only one who has an sense, but then by the end of the movie you realize he's an idiot.  There's a sense of a love story, but it's cryptic and you're left thinking maybe this woman Ottway is pining for is or was his wife and she may or may not be dead now.  Suspension of disbelief is huge in this movie because you're expected to believe that the surviving men are able to brave the arctic elements and still be able to walk, trudge, run and jump their way through the forest for a couple of days.  The don't have the gear they need, have little to no food, no water.  Some of the guys aren't even wearing hats.  But frostbite and hypothermia apparently aren't an issue.

One by one the survivors are picked off by the wolves and/or their own misfortune (read: stupidity).  In the end only Ottway survives, trudging through the woods only to eventually stop and seemingly give up hope. He has a moment remembering his fallen comrades and then looks up to realize he's literally walked right into the wolves' den.  Seriously? 

The movie ends with Ottway prepped to battle what looks like over a dozen--maybe two--wolves in hand to paw (hand to big nasty teeth?) combat.  But they don't actually show the battle.  However, this movie was so bad I know exactly what happened.

He died.

The wolves looked at the blade he taped to his right hand and the airplane alcohol bottles taped and busted to sharp edges to his left, laughed, and then lunged at him and ate him to death.  Because by this point even the wolves were bored with Ottway and his gang of misfit survivors.  No really, I'm pretty sure the Alpha Wolf was like, "Really, dude?  This movie's gone on way to long.  You really should just succumb to the elements and let us eat you.  And how dumb are you to walk right into our den.  Did you not notice that there were more of us the further you "ran away"?  Who put you in charge?  You're a terrible leader."

We had to watch this over two nights, a week apart.  Halfway through the movie, I turned to Dave and said I didn't think I could watch anymore that night.  Then we kind of never made time to watch it until the following weekend when we wanted movie night again.  Apparently neither of us wanted to finish watching it but didn't really say so.  So we ended up watching the rest in spite of ourselves only to turn to each other and say immediately as the screen faded to black, "That was a terrible movie."

So apparently Liam Neeson isn't as awesome as I once thought.  But I found a mentor for him.  Without giving away any spoilers, I think Neeson should watch The Bourne Legacy for a true lesson in how to deal with wolves.  After all, Bourne is our generation's 007 and might be my favorite action movie franchise...until I get obsessed with something else.